One of many defense mechanisms I have come as close as one could get to perfect, is to always have an exit strategy. Cus God forbid I would ever fully commit to something, or even worse, to someone. That innate fear of commitment stems from years of self hatred, a conditioned fear of rejection rooted in abandonment issues mixed with severe trust issues (yeah, I’m a handful…) and since the brain can’t separate what is real from what isn’t, it experiences emotional pain the same way we experience physical pain. So I made damn sure no one was ever going to hurt me again.
GOD forbid I would ever fully commit to something, or worse, someone…
Unfortunately my plan didn’t work. I found out disappointment is part of life and I have come to realise that pain is purifying through devoting the past four years of my time and energy to (drumroll please) committing to me.
I got the help that I wanted and my behavioural therapist gave me the tools I had searched for in order to be able to work through my ancestral conditioning. Doing so (I mean, it’s a fucking work in progress, I’ll never be “done” even though my inner OCD-control freak would love to pick up one of my green neon coloured markers and highlight the fuck out of the “Work Through My Ancestral Conditioning” check box off of my To-Do-List) I have come to the beautiful understanding that my past served me, that the universe has always conspired to help me. She (yes, I refer to the universe as she) has always had my back, but I was blinded by fear, too busy searching for an exit strategy, the easy way out.
Join me on my new radical adventure, where I am truly committing to me, through biohacking and personal experiments that I would never have believed I’d have the courage to do (including leaving my comfort zone in Stockholm and moving to the other side of the world...) because you know what? Life is too fucking short. Do You Boo. And I will do me and hopefully I will be able to inspire you try the tiniest of life hacks in order to access your inner genius because I believe in you.
Mäd Love / Nikita Lee